10 Questions Fighter Pilots Hate Being Asked (and why)

Can you do a loop-the-loop?

Former Harrier pilot Matt Doncaster lets rip on the most annoying questions asked of military pilots

I’m asked many things during my travels around the globe in my present capacity as an airline pilot, and some questions or requests do take some getting used to - only the other day, whilst cruising through Turkish airspace, a passenger requested of us (airline flying is a team game) the name of the mountain range we were flying over. This was difficult to answer because most of Turkey is mountainous, and we don’t carry an atlas on the flight deck. Nor could we. But there is an expectation, based on a misconception, that we know what every piece of real estate below us is called, and of course, we don’t (but we give it our best shot, and to be fair, it’s not such a bad question to be asked). However, we (the pilots) are often asked for drinks by passengers as we transit through the cabin en route to the toilet, probably because we look like waiters in the dark in our white shirts, and that’s certainly a question we hate being asked. My answer is usually, “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue where the gin is, but I know someone who does”, which is either received with incredulity or an apology as the reality sinks in that I’m not a waiter but actually one of the drivers of this flying drinks cabinet.

And so it is amongst the fighter pilot community. There are countless questions flung our way, usually at airshows, to be fair, because where else do those not in the know get to meet those who are in the know and hence pose their most inquisitive and uninformed questions? Apart from social media, of course, and that’s a whole different ball game, the banter on some threads out there beggars belief as rumour and conjecture abound.

But before I start to detail the top ten of most hated questions (not just my top ten as I’ve reached out to some of my fellow fighter pilot colleagues past and present for their input) I need to clarify that despite being an ex-Harrier man, it does say VSTOL Fighter on my patch and I’m taking that……..in order to try at least and curb the merciless banter that will flow from the F-Series fighter jocks, Sea Harrier mates, and Tornado F3 pukes reading this (see note about social media), and as you can see, in the finest traditions of Harrier air combat, I’ve gone defensive early.

So here they are, and in no particular order,

10. How fast does it go, mister?

Oh dear. Let’s start with this airshow classic, and one derived from fathers telling their sons and daughters that they’re going to see some really fast aircraft up close and personal. The trouble is, it’s usually the fathers who want to know the answer to this question but are a bit backwards in coming forwards, and so launch their children at the poor pilot who is stood in front of his steed for the day yearning to head off to the beer tent. However, the real problem is not so much the answer, but how to put 900 odd knots, or maybe Mach 1.6 (or whatever one’s particular number is) into someone’s speed frame of reference that really only goes as far out as 70 miles per hour (possibly 80 if law enforcement isn’t watching). And that’s quite tricky. Unless you’ve experienced running at the world at 600 miles an hour, it’s hard to appreciate speed like that. So we don’t really enjoy this question much, let alone the two dozen times it’s asked before finally “Miller Time” is called (the traditional end-of-exercise codeword broadcast by AWACS that starts the mad rush back to base and the bar debrief).

9. Have you ever seen a UFO?